Here’s one way to tell if someone is a narcissist.

Have you ever heard this statement?

“You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person?”

I saw it on Instagram a few months back and it struck a chord. While I may not believe it 100% outright, I do get what message they are trying to convey. It’s an important one if you are dealing with someone narcissistic.

This quote can indicate where you fall in their mind and how you can maintain control in a stressful situation.

People Who Want To Connect Will Look For Reasons To Understand You

This is what I believe the true meaning of the sentiment is.

When the person across from you is trying to maintain a bond with you they will attempt to find ways to accept your words. Even if they don’t like what you are saying or agree with you, they will seek out which ways they can accept them.

This is not something a narcissist excels in.

The right person will not agree with everything you say. What they will do is look for the connection points and be willing to work with you to find a resolution. It is a collaboration between the two of you toward common goals.

It’s important to note that there are times when anyone can misunderstand us and may not want to be on our side. That’s not what I’m referring to in this article. This is specific to narcissism and the way narcissists act during communication.

This is a lot different than someone generally not liking you and wanting to fight with you. That doesn’t make them a narcissist. Narcissism is a different animal altogether.

Narcissists Want Discord

Someone narcissistic does not want to understand your side of the story.

When you say anything, it will be the wrong thing.

Even if they agree (or cannot disagree) with what you say, they will have something oppositional in their reply. For example, if you point out that holiday celebrations are supposed to be about coming together and spending time with loved ones -> they will twist it into all the ways you are trying to guilt-trip them into acquiescing to your wants.

Do you see how they didn’t disagree with you but still found a way to make themselves the victim?

You have a better chance of gaining their approval of your statements if you say what they want to hear, but even then, you run the risk of conflict if that is what they are looking for. As long as you are useful, you will find acknowledgment of your words, but the moment that value diminishes, their efforts will as well.

This situation typically happens in the middle and latter phases of narcissistic relationships. During the initial Love Bomb phase they do want to agree with you. During this phase, they will go out of their way to ensure that what you have said is the right thing. They need you to believe that they can connect with you so they will pretend to agree until they have you hooked. It’s a tool they use to further their cause.

Once you have been gotten, this tool is no longer needed. They don’t have a reason to fake listening and comprehension after you have been roped in.

This is when they change course and begin the LOW. This is the High/Low Cycle that is often talked about. Before, when you were being bombarded with understanding was The High. Now, you are being purposefully misunderstood in The Low.

Understanding this is important. Once you face the music and accept that someone is not trying to understand you you can maintain control when you engage with them.

The Narcissist Is The Wrong Person

Long-term, they will be the wrong person for everyone in their life.

Short-term, they will feel like the right person but they can’t keep up the charade for long. Within 3 months to a year they will lose steam and their true face will show. It’s inevitable.

Narcissism is not a one-show horse. It doesn’t prance around for only you. They are a narcissist all the time. It touches everything they think, the way they act, and the choices they make. It is who they are. It’s not about you.

They may be able to go out into the world and fake being normal but behind closed doors, they can’t keep it up. This is why many narcissists seem like amazing human beings to the public but their families tell a different story. It isn’t a sustainable character, it’s a front.

If you ask a narcissist to stop being narcissistic and to start understanding you -> You are wasting your time. It’s not going to happen. Not really. If they want something from you they will put on a show for you and fake it. That isn’t genuine and it won’t last. You may get a small reprieve at the moment but you will pay the price for their “cooperation” later. Nothing is given for free in these relationships.

The same thing happens to others whether you are aware of it or not. In the same way that other people do not know what you are subjected to in secret, you don’t know what others are being treated like either. No matter what the narcissist tells you or what you see on social media. The odds are high that they are lying. It’s all part of the game playing. Triangulation requires there to be multiple players pitted against each other. You may be looking out, thinking that another person is being treated better than you, but it’s not likely. If they are dealing with the same narcissist you are, they are being treated poorly as well. (Or they will be soon enough)

Remember, the narcissist is not actually a different person with other people. They have different characters they play, but on the inside, they are who they are. It’s all masks and set design = It’s theater.

When you go to the theater, you don’t believe that the main character is who that person is in real life. You know it’s a role. You know it’s dramatics. This is the narcissist.

Someone fake can’t be your “right person”.